Unique.
I went through “most” of those love things. One was the high school giggly crush; another was the deep intimate soul bonding. There were those few based solely on physical attraction.
Then there was the balance of those.
She was special. She was the one who completed what I was missing. Being my hyperactive self, she slowed me down to appreciate life. I showed her the world I was exposed to as a diplomat through exploration. We both had the same goals of settling down, having the house, the picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the 1.5 dogs, etc.
Then her father broke us apart because I was – and still am – an Asian Muslim.
No matter how good I was, how good my family background is, how humble we all were as Muslims, how many university degrees I had (at that point), the fact that I was going to be a doctor with good grades, an athlete, cook, clean, well traveled … it all boiled down to skin color and religion.
Since I couldn’t change my skin color, I changed my religion. Or rather rejected it. Then I lost it. Then I lost myself, because I gave up the core values I was raised with.
From mid 20s to mid 30s, I had no real direction. I had shorter, superficial relationships. I worked as an emergency doctor, because I didn’t mind the instability. I would overwork myself and then burn myself out, but my recovery didn’t involve anything deeper than bad habits and just passing out.
Only some of my older friends – who have known me from before – saw me as being lost and helped guide me back. Only one “newer” friend saw the potential in who I was and could be. He is still my friend, but more “adopted family” since I am in Croatia on my own.
But those others?
They barely skimmed the surface of Yeop. They were there when they needed something, and not there when they didn’t. There’s a culture here – and in most European cultures – when someone was down, people really don’t enjoy their company. “Friends” came during the highs when they didn’t have to deal with other peoples’ lows (which most people eventually have).
Those are the types who almost always immediately tell me, “You’re my closest friend!”
The real friends take me in as family.
An older colleague from work once asked me, “Why can’t you find a wife? You know how to fix everything, you cook, you clean, you’re a doctor, you have a good family. Why can’t you meet someone?”
I told him that it’s not always about the girl, it’s about family. He replied that if she truly loved me, she would fight for me.
Then I dated his daughter.
And he broke us apart.
That’s love for me.
Not unique, but it happens.
OBVIOUSLY there’re more details, but that would take many more pages to fill.
One of the “love(s) of my life” and I would argue. I loved her so much that I told her (what my parents and other wiser people than me have told me) is that every argument is like ironing out another wrinkle. When you finally get married, your sheet will be smooth as silk. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get ruffled with new wrinkles once in a while, but those wrinkles will not be as strongly creased as a well-ironed shirt.
When we argued, I started realizing that she was arguing us apart, whilst I was arguing us to be closer together. I believe that life is ultimately binary when it comes to those decisions in relationships and in life. When decisions are finally made, it comes down to “Does it bring you one step closer, or one step further apart?”
“Will it do bad, or will it do good?”
However, she didn’t argue why the relationship would fail. We would argue on putting our relationship out in the open for the world to know. We never argued about the direction our relationship would lead to. She grew up in this different culture, and was criticized by her friends, family and other people for being with me. Everything from Muslim terrorist jokes to Asian small dick jokes.
She took all that for almost 5 years, and that put a lot of strain on our relationship.
Most women won’t even last that long. That’s how much she loved me. Then social pressure happened. Now it’s different times. Croatians now are a bit more open.
But 15 years too late.
I was always that positive optimistic. All my previous friends were. We all had hope and wore pink glasses. Maybe because of our age; maybe because our lives WERE perfect (in Raleigh). Everything there was possible if you did everything good and well.
However, this story of loss is not sad. It’s life. It’s not even “lessons learned”, because most people are still like most other people. Everyone in each “nation” has their social structures of cultures and traditions and upbringings. Only a few break from the standard normal bell curve, but they are also “lonely” as pioneers, being on either side of the two standard deviations.
They are RARE.
Most like to and need to “fit in”, which is ok. People don’t like to be alone. People cannot be alone. I’m a “Dip”, so I can chameleon myself into different societies or situations.
One day, this girl asked me what my plans for this weekend was, and I replied “Ghost of Tsushima”. She scoffed at my passion of playing video games and asked why I don’t read instead (or do something more productive in my life – reminder: I’m a family practitioner). Then I showed her the books I read, and even suggested John Scalzi. Who was a suggested to me by a close friend who actually knows the type of books I read.
I can chameleon to them, but when I am openly myself in most societies, I am scoffed or mocked or whatever “negative” reaction can be described in this “culture”. Not many people are just “amazed” anymore. No matter what age, people these days just don’t care to be amazed.
Have they done these things I have done? Probably not. One the other hand, have I done most things others have? Probably. But most likely, probably not. That’s why I keep my naivety and I “try” to be amazed.
For example, when people listen to my “stories” they say, “You seem to have been through a lot, why don’t you write a book?”
I reply with, “Why don’t you buy my book?”
Do I “self-reject” to fit into THIS society? In a conversational way, yes. Most people don’t to fit into this society for obvious reasons. This is usually because of the acceptance of only one of the seven psychological emotions. What if people open up and tell others what they have told me, and say “I am medicated for…”
Would normal people socially and superficially accept that in a bar on the first “meet”? Even after multiple “meets”? If yes, KUDOS to the accepting person. In my experiences, not many would socially accept them and would turn their backs on them.
In this society, I can’t get “friends” to go to the mosque and just chill out over a glass of ayran. The European alcoholic lifestyle eventually consumes most people who come here. The first year I was here, I was still running races. The second year, I realized to get friends, I needed to drink. Third year, I started smoking.
I reset to normality when I go back to Malaysia.
When I came to Zagreb, gyms existed in hotels and student dorms. In order to play basketball, we had to have connections to school security to let us in to let you play indoors. Eventually they figured out that they can charge us, so most of us just stopped playing.
It is about cultural and social pressure. You have to be “strong” here to be a “good” person to not fall into this culture.
For example, in Vermont, it was easy to be good. Nobody I knew smoked, not many people drank (even though they have one of the best breweries in the world). They looked at me like an idiot when I asked if I could smoke. Then, this really super hot girl told me in my face that smoking is super disgusting. So in the time I was in Larner College of Medicine at UVM, I didn’t smoke. Nobody did. I felt bad for doing so. So I stopped.
Until I came back to the EU.
My personal wish is that people these days don’t take most things seriously in love-love relationships.
Throughout life, I was obviously never the “cool” guy even though I had tons of friends. I was never the “jock” even though I had 12 varsity letters, and I was never the “nerd” even I played orchestra level instruments and sang in boybands and glee.
My friends were always as smart, as silly and as diverse as I was. We were those kids who found each other because we couldn’t be ourselves around others. We just had to be a fraction of ourselves with others.
To be that “chameleon”.
When we were together, we’d do silly to stupid to crazy crap together! I miss those people, because you can’t find that kind of diversity in a CrossFit gym in Zagreb, Croatia. Maybe you can, but people don’t talk about themselves. Nobody wants to be silly.
It’s difficult to find that “soul mate” that I could be myself with. I did get close.
One time in Raleigh, we were studying in a Barnes and Nobles, and there was a cute girl. My friend dared me to get her digits.
So I went to the self-help section, and got a book on relationships, and turned to the “communication and similar interests are important” page. I went up to her and asked her what she was reading. She said, “I’m studying for chemisty, what are y’all studying for?”
I opened the book to the page and said, “How to get your number.”
People ain’t silly no more!!!
That’s what I miss in Europe.
People here just have to be “cool”.
Europeans look for “cool”.
It’s cooler to be “stoic”.
Can we truly just be “ourselves” or must we constantly act in today’s society to be able to love and to be loved?
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